Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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