I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
