After last night, I could never be a politician.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
