I wish my penis had an off switch
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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