i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
