she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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