Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
