I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This baby is an asshole
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
