At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
