apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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