He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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