I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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