I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
