my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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