Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
