i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
