shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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