So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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