I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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