she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
