I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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