You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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