i already hear my dad disowning me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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