just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
