Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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