Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
