so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
