There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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