Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just forgot I was standing up.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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