I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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