I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
