11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize