I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
