I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
