I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
