I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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