Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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