im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
