so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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