The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
