It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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