At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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