your parents love me but you hate me
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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