Sry I called you an 8
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
