why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
