i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
