okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
