Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I believe in your delicious
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I need to calm my uterus...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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