FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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