Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
