we made out on top of his cat.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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