Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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