not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
