God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
420 ftw
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
