I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
