I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
