My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
