chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
