I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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