They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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