I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
