I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
